I lived for so many years harbouring the secrets, shame, and pain of my past traumas, unknowingly carrying the heavy burden of a warped perception of myself and the world. Lingering echoes of not-enoughness reverberated within me, casting shadows on my self-worth, distorting my view of reality, and wandering aimlessly through life.
Night terrors, symptoms of PTSD, haunted my nights, each episode a chilling reminder of what was festering within me. I was caught up in a relentless search for meaning for my life, dancing with seductive suicidal thoughts, and questioning my very existence. The darkness seemed to envelop me, suffocating any flicker of hope that dared to shine through. I teetered on the precarious edge between darkness and light, caught up in a maze of unanswerable 'whys'....
- why do bad things always seemed to happen to me,
- why had I even been born,
- why did 'those people' hurt me the way they did,
- why didn't someone care enough to help,
- why couldn't I be happy,
- why couldn't I get over my past,
- why was my life so hard,
- the list goes on, and on, and on
And with every 'why' that I asking, buried emotions that carried stories of hurt, pain and trauma were waiting to be unraveled and understood.
If you were a person who, like me, has endured trauma in their life, bearing the weight of shame you probably understand this relentless cycle of questioning why - seeking answers to the unanswerable, hoping that understanding the rationale behind our pain will somehow alleviate it.
I came to discover a key to begin unlocking deep healing is not in the pursuit of 'why' but instead, in embracing the transformative medicine of 'what'. Why could not be answered, it was intricated layered, a subjected perception without any clear cut explanation. Whereas 'what', now that could be answered.
'What happened?' This simple question serves as a gateway to unraveling the layers of our past traumas and understanding their impact on our present selves. By shifting our focus from seeking reasons to acknowledging the reality of our experiences, we bring expression to our story.
'What has this event led me to believe about myself?' Our past experiences often mold our self-perception, creating beliefs that may hinder our growth and well-being. Through introspection and self-inquiry, we can recognize the negative beliefs that stem from our past traumas and work towards reshaping them into a more empowering narrative.
'What emotion am I suppressing?' Emotions left unexplored can fester within us, manifesting in ways that hinder our emotional well-being. By identifying and allowing ourselves to feel the emotions we've buried deep, we open the door to emotional healing and release.
'What do I need in this moment to feel better?' Self-care and self-compassion are essential ingredients in the journey towards healing. By tuning into our present needs and taking steps to meet them, we nurture ourselves on a profound level, fostering a sense of inner peace and well-being.
Exploring the 'what' helped me confront my traumas with courage and compassion, guiding me towards a more profound understanding of myself and my experiences. Through this process, I gained valuable insights into the ways my past had shaped me and actionable steps from my guides and angels that I could take to cultivate healing and growth - and it worked!
The sacred, transformative medicine of what was a valuable step towards a place of healing, wholeness, and self-discovery. I encourage you to embrace the empowering journey of 'what' so that you too can experience the miraculous transformations that unfolds as you step into the light of your own healing journey.