Love is always enough
For most of my life, I struggled with the feeling that I should be different than I was and tortured myself with trying to fit into who every one accepted and expected me to be.
I should be thinner, prettier, sexier, smarter, more talented, more disciplined, and more successful. I even felt like I wasn’t enough as a mother, friend, wife, daughter and at times, hated the fact that I had ever been born. I created unattainable standards for myself and I did not even know what I enjoyed doing, let alone have a hobby. I was completely disconnected from myself, my dreams and desires.
My self-worth was defined by comparing myself to others and tried to blend in and not draw attention to myself. I was full of self-doubt and traded my authentic self for the security of being liked by my family and friends because of my fear of not being liked.
So where am I going with this? Well very recently, someone that I love and respect shared that he did not think that I was being “professional enough” because I used the F-word (or versions there of… ie. fuck fucky fuckity and the occasional WTF) on my social media posts. He described this as not being professional enough, unacceptable for someone like me and I needed to stop doing this.
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings
I immediately felt ashamed and embarrassed by his remarks and completely fell back into thoughts of being “not good enough”. It was the first time in a long time that I completely doubted if I was “enough” at all. After a some time wrestling with my inner critic, a few tears and some choice words in my alone time, I simply let go and I found my way my way back to me.
SHE LET GO. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore. ~ Rev. Safire Rose
I sat in silence. I prayed and I let go. I lifted him, me and all the funk up into the Heavens AND what I realized was
- I never swear at people.
- I never use the F-word to degrade or spew hate at others.
- I never use profanity to cause hurt or pain or belittle.
- I am mindful of the energy behind my words.
- I embrace and experience life challenges from a place of love, forgiveness, and gratitude.
- I am just me, being me.
In letting go, I also realized that this whole time, I had been measuring “enough” in all the wrong ways. Enough isn’t about what I do or don’t do, what I say or don’t say, or even who I appear to be; being “enough” is simple – it’s about love.
Each moment I love my children, I am enough.
Each moment I love my husband, I am enough.
Each moment I choose to love me, I am enough.
Each day that I wake up, and choose to love others, I am enough.
AND even the days when I don’t feel very loving, I am enough.
It requires real vulnerability to be authentic. I dive deep into the emotional mess, I feel my pain and yes, I do say fuck every now and again too. What I know now for sure is that love is the only thing we need to be, and loving is the only thing we need to do. When I am full of love, I am most authentically me, and that is always enough.
Authenticity is the raw, naked, unhindered expression of the being-ness of our soul in balance with our lil’human. Authenticity is a quality of being. That’s why we say ‘being authentic’ not ‘doing authentic’. AND my sweet friends, when we choose to let go and choose to love, any thing that is not us, simply to falls away – allowing us to be who we are divinely created to be.